


So Close and Still So Far

by klawhawser



Series: somebody who catches you [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Panic Attacks, Angst, Background Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, God I hate camille but this one is necessary for the plot, Hallucinations, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Post-Break Up, Whump, Whumptober
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:14:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26891245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klawhawser/pseuds/klawhawser
Summary: So close to reaching that famous happy endAlmost believing this one’s not pretendOrAlec broke up with Magnus and Alec watches as Camille walks towards Magnus standing on the altar, marrying his ex. Alec has a panic attack and call Magnus to comfort him.For Ten Trails Whump Challenge by yuckwhump on Tumblr!Trail 7: Road to Recovery – Panic Attack, October 8th
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt
Series: somebody who catches you [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1945585
Comments: 2
Kudos: 49
Collections: Ten Trails Whump Challenge 2020





	So Close and Still So Far

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the fourth theme on Trail 7: Road to Recovery, Panic Attack.   
> You can read this fic while listening to [So Close](%E2%80%9D) by Jon McLaughlin. This is my go-to song when I wanna cry ahaha ;____;   
> Enjoy!

Alec stares at himself on bathroom mirror. He loathed his mirror self; unhealthy pale complexion with tears rimmed eyes. Even though the hotel he’s staying at is a five-star hotel with fluffy mattress it’s hard to get him off the bed, he just couldn’t sleep soundly. It’s still seven in the morning, still 2 more hours before the ceremony begin.

Cold water splashing on his face, waking him up completely. He steps inside the shower stall and let the drizzling water soak him.

_He kicks his apartment door open then trips over cardboard box located in front of the door._

_“Damn you, box,” Alec curses. Ever since their break up, he hadn’t got time to unpack his belonging from his ex’s loft. Clicking the light switch on, he lets out a sigh._

_His hands levers on the wall beside him as he takes off his boots. When his feet land, it feels like he steps on something. He steps back, trying to find the thing he steps on._

_There!_

_Alec frowns. Behind his boots, an envelope sealed with red wax is seen with his boots trail imprinted on it. Not having a faintest idea who has sent him this envelope, he picks the envelope up._

_He flips the envelope and his heart sinks._

_Dear Mr. Alexander Gideon Lightwood,_

_With open hearts, we would be delightful by your presence at the celebration of their union:_

_Camille Belcourt to Magnus Bane_

_Saturday, Twenty-Sixth of July_

_Ten O’clock in the Morning_

_St. Regis Hotel,_

_New York_

_Feasting and Merriment to Follow._

_Somehow, all of this doesn’t surprise him at all._

He jerks as he realizes he spent an hour standing in the shower, his fingers already crinkled up. He hurriedly finishes and wrap the towel low on his hips, leaving the steamy bathroom.

He is buttoning his suit and stares at himself on the mirror. The three-pieced-suit really fits him well. He remembers when Izzy takes him to buy this exceptionally expensive tailor made. His wallet cries but he can see why Izzy insists him to buy it. His white shirt with navy colored suit and waistcoat makes his appearance stands out.

_‘You look very dashing, Alexander.’_

His eyes dim, remembering that Magnus always compliments him whenever he dresses up. And now he’s no longer here with him. He already chooses someone else. Someone who won’t pushes him away when everything just seems too much to bear.

And that person is Camille.

Alec knew Camille hates him. She hates him for taking Magnus away from her. That’s why when Alec broke up with Magnus, she makes her way back to Magnus. And Magnus, hurting from the way Alec had treated him, opens his heart again to Camille.

And Alec also knew when Magnus proposed to Camille. She went to his apartment just to showed her ruby rings to Alec, threatening him to not come again between them as she claims he’s not made for Magnus.

It was his fault for ignoring Magnus for days.

It was his fault for not forgiving Magnus when he makes a slight mistake.

It was his fault for making Magnus desperate for his attention.

Everything he did to Magnus terribly was his fault.

He complies with Camille’s threat. He doesn’t wish to break more of Magnus’ heart. If she can make Magnus happier more than he did with Magnus, of course he’s letting Magnus go.

But deep inside, he wishes Magnus would make his way back to him again.

Ah, if only Alec didn’t have a battle inside his own mind, he’d be the one in Camille’s position right now, marrying the love of his life, bearing the name Lightwood-Bane.

Feeling done with his self-pity, he takes his keycard and left his room.

The elevator dings as he steps out of it. His footsteps take him to the bar in hotel. He slid himself on the barstool and waits for the bartender to notice him. He looks around him and everything in this hotel screams luxury. Very Magnus and Camille.

As he is staring at the wide painting behind the bar, a middle-aged good-looking bartender stands before him, waiting for his order.

“Whiskey, neat,” The bartender nods and makes his drink right away.

He rests his head on one hand and when his drink arrives, he mutters a soft ‘thanks’.

Playing with the amber colored liquid on his hand, someone seat beside him.

“Really, Alexander? Getting drunk before my wedding?” He cranes his head to the voice. It is _him_. “You never cease to surprise me.”

He chuckles lightly as it reduces to a smile. A smile that never reach his eyes. But he decides that it’s enough sadness today. He will attend Magnus’ wedding with a smile. He will give his Magnus away to Camille with a happy heart.

“How are you holding up with the wedding, Magnus?” Alec asks. He takes a sip from his glass as Magnus call the bartender to order his drink.

“It’s been great, Alexander,” Alec is happy hearing Magnus calling him with his full name. “Everything is settled and ready. We’re just waiting for the ceremony to begin. I’m happy to be married with someone who knows me well.”

Alec winces but he pretends that everything is fine. And without surprises, Magnus realizes his word. “I-I mean I’m not blaming you for-“

“No, no Magnus,” Alec stops him. “It’s fine. Really. I’m glad you moved on and found your happiness again. I’m happy for you and Camille.”

Magnus nods and exhales. As if his burden is released from his shoulder. “Thank you, Alexander. That means a lot to me.”

Both men are quiet, enjoying their presence as a support system to each other.

Without any warning Alec bursts out his apology. “I know this sound selfish but I’m really sorry for the way I treated you. I wasn’t in the right mind and drove you away from me without any explanation. I’m really sorry, Magnus.”

Magnus, taken aback from his ex’s apologies, takes Alec’s hand and forces him to look at him.

“Hey, Alexander, look at me,” He looks at Alexander’s sad eyes. “It’s alright, I forgive you already. What you did to me was horrible but I forgive you. It was my fault, too, for not noticing you were in pain and still I forced you to gave me more attention. I’m sorry, too, Alexander.”

Taking it all in, Alec raises his glass.

“For your wedding and our friendship.”

Their glass clinks as they toast, Magnus replies, “For my wedding and our friendship, then.”

Alec downs his drink in one go and left cash for two of them. He stands from his seat and fixes his suit, not wanting it to wrinkled.

“I guess I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Magnus said it with breathy smile.

Nodding, Alec walks away from Magnus. _There’s one more thing._

“Magnus.”

“Yes, Alexander?”

His heart beats erratically.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

For Alec, it is more than enough.

He turns away and left Magnus alone with his drink.

The ballroom is decorated in a rustic theme, chandeliers and lanterns lit the room, making the atmosphere very intimate. Guests varies from downworlders and shadowhunters filled empty seats rather quickly. It’s a pity Jace and Isabelle can’t attend his wedding. As he familiar himself with his surrounding, Alec takes a look on the altar.

It was heavily decorated with plants and fairy lights, but not in a bad way. It is very beautiful. There, he locks eyes with Magnus. Whose grins widely it blinds Alec’s. He smiles back at him, ignoring the heart breaks inside him. Next to Magnus, he spots Catarina as his Maid of Honor. Catarina also looks at Alec and gives him a sad yet genuine smile.

Wedding march reverberates throughout the ballroom. Everyone stands and turns to the door.

This is it.

_Oh, how could I face the faceless days_

_If I should lose you now?_

Camille Belcourt walks slowly. Everyone’s attention is on her. Her white wedding gown flows as she walks toward the altar. In every step she takes, his heart cracks. Soon to be Mrs. Bane. Her eyes glint mischievously as she notices Alec. Maybe she didn’t thought Alec would come to their wedding. But still Alec looks at him and watches her walk away.

He feels Magnus stares at him but he ignores him, looking at the bride instead of the groom who always succeed in stealing his heart even they aren’t together anymore. They stand facing each other with their hand interlocked to read their vow.

_We're so close to reaching that famous happy end_

“Today I pledge to you my eternal love,” Magnus begin his vow.

Camille smiles, “I promise you to be your lover, your confidant, and your friend.”

“I promise to respect and appreciate our differences, to be open and honest.” The way Magnus said his vow send a jab to his heart. Eyes welling up with tears, hurriedly he wipes it with his thumb, shuddering breaths escape in attempt to maintain his coolness.

_Almost believing this one's not pretend_

“I promise to trust in our growth and our ability to discover new adventures together.”

_Let's go on dreaming though we know we are_

“In all that life may bring us, my life is yours, Camille Belcourt.”

“And my life is yours, Magnus Bane.”

He blocks out the cheering coming from his surrounding as Brother Zachariah pronounces them as husband and wife. Tears streaming down his cheeks as soon as he heard claps erupt from everyone around him. He lets out a devastating sob amidst the guests’ cheering. He couldn’t bear to look at them, sharing their first kiss as husband and wife.

\--

“Magnus!”

Alec realizes he’s having a panic attack. He never got any of panic attack but he can tell it’s a bad one. His chest heaves as he tries to get as many oxygens as he can. He’s hyperventilating. _One... Two... Three... exhale. Calm down, Alec. It’s just a dream_ , he tells that to himself. His body shakes and his heart pounds erratically. It feels like he’s going to die.

Magnus.

He gotta call Magnus.

He runs to the sofa by the end of the bed, but he trips over the carpet as he trying to reach his phone through the tightness in his chest. When he reached his phone, he quickly types Magnus’ number.

Then reality dawn on him.

He broke up with Magnus two months ago. Yesterday, he married Camille.

And the most devastating thing is, _he left you_.

He hits the carpet repeatedly. The sound of Alec’s wailing and suffering echoes throughout his apartment. His grief is too overwhelming for him to lower down his crying.

“It’s my fault,” He mumbles weakly, choking on his sobs. “ _My fault_.”

Then a voice he’s dreading to hear, is coming out from his phone.

“ _Alexander, honey,” Magnus_ yawns. _“It’s 4 in the morning. Why don’t you get some sleep?”_

He didn’t remember dialing his number but hearing his voice sleepily, his lips trembles, letting out soft whimpers. “ _Are you crying? Alexander? Please say something.”_

His chest tightens. He doesn’t know whether it caused by his panic attack or merely by his voice.

“Magnus,” is all Alec can say and he’s full sobbing again. His phone clutched tightly on his chest; gut-wrenching sobs is heard on Magnus’ end. His breath getting shortened and he can’t breathe.

“I-I c-can’t…. breathe.”

“ _Alexander listen to me_ ,” Alec hiccups. He can hear Magnus’ worried voice trying to calm him down. “ _Take a deep breath…. Hold for three seconds. One… two… three… let go. Repeat it again. In…. and out…._ ”

Alec listens and do what he says. Taking a deep breath and let it go. After a while, his chest doesn’t feel as restricting as it was before. But hiccups still rocks him. His sniffles while swiping the tears away from running down his ashen cheeks. He blinks his eyes, trying to clear his visions. Somehow, he’s weaker and everything seems darker. Lying on his side; phone still clutches tightly near his head.

He’s losing consciousness.

_So close,_

“ _Alexander? You still there? I’m going to portal to you, is that alright?_ ”, Magnus asks him.

“Don’t…” Alec trails off, whispering slowly. “You’ll make…. Camille… worry…”

He can hear Magnus asking what is he talking about and what about her. But the darkness seems more inviting than Magnus’ voice.

So, he welcomes it.

_So close,_

_And still so far._

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Thank you for reading my fic. I know this fic has a bittersweet cliffhanger. But don’t worry I’ll write a sequel for the ninth theme on 29th October, Trigger. Please do bookmark, leave kudos and comment if you like!
> 
> I wrote the third theme [ here ](%E2%80%9D) or simply by clicking  this  for complete collection . Yes, finally we’re almost halfway through this challenge and please wait for the fifth theme, Coping Mechanism, coming up on October 12th. See you later!


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